We have probably all heard the phrase “communication is key.” Early in my marriage, I heard over and over that communication was one of the highest priorities of a marriage relationship. But I often remember wondering, What am I supposed to be communicating? I couldn't wrap my head around how merely talking was supposed to solve all our marital problems. But eventually, I began to understand. It isn't about talking, but about seeking to understand one another and learning how to live together as peaceably and respectfully as possible.
I have spent many years learning how to improve my communication with my husband. But in the past year or two, I have been challenged to learn better habits of communication with my children as well. Here are a few thoughts that I've been considering.
1. The main goal of communication should be edification.
Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Whether we are sharing information, presenting an opinion, or correcting a wrong, we should always have our child's best interest in mind. Our words should always be aimed to build our kids up more than to prove our point or to put them in their place.
2. Edifying words start in the heart and mind.
Luke 6:45 says that our words are simply an overflow of what is in our hearts, so if we start hearing the wrong words coming out of our mouths, it's an indication that something on the inside needs fixing! We can only consistently communicate what is good and edifying when we allow God to cleanse our hearts and our minds.
3. Words are powerful and should be used with caution.
Proverbs 18:21 tells us, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” Though this can seem to be a bit of an exaggeration, parents' words can make a huge difference in a child's life. Verbal abuse is a very real type of abuse, and a lack of verbal affirmation can cause significant damage in a child. Conversely, words that build our children up can give them the security and confidence they need to succeed in life.
4. Communication needs to happen at the right time and in the right way.
As Ecclesiastes 3:7 says, “There is a time to keep silence and a time to speak.” Wisdom is needed in determining which one is appropriate at a particular time. And whenever it is a time to speak, verses like Ephesians 4:15 and Colossians 4:6 admonish us to speak the truth graciously and with love.
5. At least half of communication is listening.
James 1:19 commands us to be “quick to listen.” Every conversation requires both speakers and listeners. If two people are speaking and no one is truly listening, effective communication is not taking place. If mutual understanding is the goal, we need to take the time to listen as much as we speak.
6. Effective communication (especially listening) requires patience, humility, and selflessness.
Children are clearly more limited than we are in their understanding, so it can be taxing to our patience to deal with what we know to be foolishness. To them, however, their perspective may make perfect sense. And as they grow closer to adulthood, their thoughts become more mature and their ideas may begin to challenge us. If we refuse to properly listen, they will feel that we don’t value them or consider their ideas important, which will lead to a lack of trust and intimacy. We must be willing to hear them out and consider their point of view as valuable even if we ultimately disagree. The important thing is for them to feel valued and understood.
7. Effective communication often requires questions, for information or clarification.
Very often, children (and especially teenagers) will not volunteer the information that will help us understand them; they will need to be asked. Communicating deep thoughts and feelings often does not come naturally. We can help to teach our children to do this through asking the appropriate questions.
But now I am again considering the same question I once asked about my marriage: What am I supposed to be communicating? Here are a few ideas.
Plans
Some of my children are planners, who handle situations much better when they are aware of what will be happening well in advance. Of course, children don't need to know every thing about every plan I might have, but whatever is relevant information for them ought to be communicated in a timely manner to every affected child (I often forget one or two!).
Expectations
We all expect our children to behave a certain way, but sometimes I realize that I haven't yet communicated this expectation to them. This may be something as basic as expecting children to clean up after themselves, to something as complex as expecting a teenage daughter to behave appropriately around a boy she likes. I can easily become impatient when my children do the opposite of what I expect, but I'm striving to remember that they may simply be unaware of my expectation. Once my expectation has been clearly communicated, then I can more reasonably hold them accountable.
Love, Affection, and Affirmation
Some people are not naturally adept at showing affection or giving “words of affirmation,” but parenting wisdom will always point out how crucial this is for children. Look for things you love and appreciate about your kids, and don’t assume they already know how you feel—tell them!
Truth
“Speaking the truth in love” will sometimes mean giving words of genuine encouragement, reminding kids of the truth about who they are when they’re tempted to listen to lies. But other times, the truth hurts. It will at times be necessary to tell our children things they don't want to hear (such as character problems they need to work on) or to be honest about something we'd rather not talk about (such as admitting our own faults).
Hopes, Dreams, and Interests
What is most important to your child? What topics get them excited? Where do they see themselves in the future? Hearing our children’s perspectives on these things can go a long way toward deepening our understanding and bettering our relationship with them.
The topic of communication is so massive that one could never cover all the necessary points in one blog post. But I hope this inexpert outline of my thoughts can help to spark more ideas on how to improve communications with our children.
—Jessica